So Angry

This entry I may end up regretting later, because I'm going to use some very harsh words. But I don't care. I've had enough. I'm not upset. I'm not crying. I'm so angry I could run away, screaming obsenities all the way until all of this is miles behind me. Let us begin.
I am going to Japan even if it kills me.
I am done giving a SHIT what anybody thinks. Sometimes I think that it's not worth going. And way back when all this bullcrap started, I felt in my heart that I don't want to go to Japan to spite anyone. Well screw that! I'm going. I don't want my mother to come to the airport to say goodbye. I'll take the bus there. And before I leave, I'll say "HA! You thought I was a loser who couldn't do anything! You thought this whole trip was a waste of my time! Well, I'm finally going, I did it all by myself! And what have you done with your life lately? Spent the last year bitching and complaining at me, wallowing in your own self pity and loathing me that now I don't even care what you think about me. So whose the loser?!" And then I will walk out the door, leaving her speechless and with a lot to think about.
Fuck, do you know what she said to me?! She's always telling me I need to get a job. NEWS FLASH: I. HAVE. A. JOB. And maybe it's not the job she wants me to have, but fuck that. I'll never be the person she wants me to be. Ever. Good thing too. Turn out like Meagan? St Daughter? HELLS NO!!! I'm going to be whoever the hell I want. So she said to me a few minutes ago "I can't understand why you aren't working on Saturday." As if it's any of her business. And not in the nice way. In the "You idiot, why aren't you working?!" And this was after I told her several times why I wasn't working. It's the day after Kevin gets back. "Well, what's his opinion on it?" "He thinks it would be a shame for him to come home and have me rush off to work the next day." So then St Daughter starts railing on me too, and I burst out "I JUST WANNA SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY BOYFRIEND, OKAY?" And my mother knows full well I have two weeks to spend with him before he leaves for ANOTHER three fucking months. She gets angry, and uses that awful tone of voice like I am the biggest dissapointment on the planet. "Well, I can't understand why you aren't working when you still have a thousand dollars left to pay"-at which point I tried to protest, but she kept on bulldozing-"and you need a job. Meagan has a job for you. And you can either spend all your time with Kevin and not go to Japan, or see Kevin between working and go to Japan. You are so ridiculous! You need a job, there's a job for you, but you're too God damn lazy to get off your ass and do anything!" Thus she stormed off upstairs, muttering horrible things about me to herself. Perfectly and purposely audible things.
So here is all I have to say on this subject....
I love my boyfriend. And I am tired of taking out my problems on him, because he is the best person in the world and shouldn't have to deal with this shit. And if anyone has a beef with that, that is too fucking bad. I get two weeks...two FUCKING weeks to spend with him before September rolls around. And I don't give a FUC K what anyone thinks of me, or him, or us together. He is the only one who understands me, just the way I am. And I'm sure there are some people who can argue that they care about me and understand me more than him. I don't care. To me, he is the one. And if any of you truly love me and "understand" me, you'll leave me the hell alone about the subject.
Secondly, I am going to Japan, and if anyone, ANYONE, gets in my way, I will destroy them. No jokes. My mother, Kari, Kevin, any of you. Do NOT fuck with me. I've worked to hard for this.
I'm going.
Stay the FUCK out of my way.