It's Valentines Day. How depressing. If I see one more television show about chocolate, I'm going to be ill.
So, I'm sick. Mono-tastic. Not that any of you care.
I've been making far too many wishes lately. Have any of you ever done that? "I wish this, I wish that!" and then the logical part of your brain gets mad at you. "Geez, stop being such a whiney moron." And then you get sad. But for some reason, you can't stop wishing or dreaming. Those dreams, no matter how awful they are, are all you have to grasp onto. Those wishes and childish hopes are the only reason you get out of bed, even if you know you will go another day with them remaining unforfilled. I have a super special wish. It's never going to come true, but by golly I'm not going to let it die. I'm going to keep wishing and wishing, until it either comes true or kills me. In the mean time, I have other, more realistic things to dream about. Well...maybe realistic isn't the right term. Realistic in comparison to my special wish. Sometimes, at night, I am sad, but I remember my blog from a while ago. I was rambling on about truth. I'm always going to have my truth.

Eeeeeek? What's happening to me? When did I become such a disgusting ditz? Dear oh my. I do appologize. Normal service will be resumed as soon as Kat gets her mind sorted out. So...not for a while. In other, much less sappy news, I am the proud new owner of a discman. Now I can go to the park and listen to music and draw and swing and gaze at the sky. I would make a general invitation, but no one ever seems to want to join me in my domain. Oh well. Again, feel free to come visit. We can share a drink called lonliness, but it's better than drinking alone.
I stole that line from "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. My appologies. Please, Mr Joel, don't send your lawyers and their Copyright documents to my house to murder me. Please and thankyou.

Today, I am going make mental notes. And, because I have nothing better to do, I am going to share them with you. Yayay!

Note to self: Should Poe ever fall into the shower again, do not, do NOT, try to use the blowdryer on him. He will not be happy.
Note to self: Don't make lists of things you miss or want or cannot have. It is merely depressing.
Note to self: As fun as eating sushi for breakfast sounds, don't do it, for your stomach's sake.
Note to self: Buy some crack pudding on Tuesday. By God, Katherine Claire, you need crack pudding.
Note to self: Don't eat that entire candy bar in the fridge, you'll regret it.
Note to self: In future, always bring a warm sweater. Stupid bloody weather...
Note to self: Always go to the park. Otherwise you will go mad, and that woudn't be good.
Note to self: Even though you are no longer a Possum, continue to enforce Possum law.
Note to self: Please, for the love of God, stop dreaming those two wretched dreams. Even the one that makes you happy.
Note to self: Save lunch money for frivilous purchases. Don't tell mother.
Note to self: Buy a discman today. You need to be able to listen to the soundtrack of your life.
Note to self: No longer mention those questions, because they're your business. Your burden to bear.
Note to self: You just mentioned those questions. Smack yourself.
Note to self: Don't smack yourself. It hurts.
Note to self: Do english and social homework. Do it.
Note to self: Go and get dressed and ready now. That discman ain't buying itself.
Note to self: Talk mother into letting you get a pony. A pony would be nice right about now.
Note to self: Get Marcelle's address. You have some unpleasant business to settle.
Note to self: Mother said you can get a tattoo this week. Don't chicken out.
Note to self: Stop drawing the same damn picture. It's annoying.
Note to self: Try and keep those fish out of your dreams. It's one small step in the direction of a good night's sleep.
Note to self: Appologize later to everyone about this blog.
Note to self: Find cure for mono.
Note to self: Do choral project, lest Ms Strome hurt you.
Note to self: Try to remember that "up there" attitude. Oh, you can't. Well, nevermind.
Note to self: Don't listen to Our Lady Peace. Their lyrics uncanny resemblance to your feelings is frightening.
Note to self: You are so scared, but don't let anyone see that.
Note to self: Proclaim yourself ruling monarch over the park. Banish all squirells.
Note to self: Clean condo. Remove pictures and take them home.
Note to self: Find that necklace you lost...where on earth could it be...
Note to self: Don't ever stop trying.

Hmmm....okay, leaving here at about 4:30. I need to bathe, get my shit together, and high-tail it out of here. That is my plan for today.

Eeeek. I can't. I'm not tough enough for that. I don't have the guts.

And now for a song. It's by Amanda Marshall, who is ever so talented. I suggest you all download it. It perfectly describes how I feel right now. Especially the last line.

Beautiful Goodbye~Amanda Marshall.

Fed up with my destiny
And this place of no return
Think I'll take another day
And slowly watch it burn
And it doesn't really matter
How the time goes by
'Cause I still remember you and I
And that beautiful goodbye

Staggered through these empty streets
Laughing arm in arm
The night had made a mess of me
Your confessions kept me warm
And I don't really miss you
I just need to know
Do you ever think of you and I
And that beautiful goodbye

When I see you now
I wonder how
I could have watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye

In these days of no regrets
I keep mine to myself
And all the things we never said
I can say for someone else
And nothing lasts forever
But we always try
And I just can't help but wonder why
We let it pass us by

When I see you now
I wonder how
I could have watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye

Baby what can I do
Oh to get through to you
And sometimes I cry
Yeah
Just a fools lullaby
Sometimes I cry
It's just a fools lullaby
Oh I

I'm dying inside


Isn't that a fabulous song? Some lines are perfect for how I feel, some are not. But that is the beauty of music. And now I am going to shower.

I had the most wonderful dream last night. So wonderful, and realistic, that when I woke up, I thought it had all happened. Oh, how I wish it had. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to feel like this. I suppose I could sort it out myself, but there are so many questions that to ask would embarrass me, and the answers would be even worse. I can't do that. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Eeeek, I'm frightened. Does anyone care?

Hahahahahaha! I was right! Oh, I do enjoy it when I'm right. Now I get to act all smug.
Anyway, congratulations to play people. I was thinking about it and I want to be head of costumes! Because...I like costumes?
I'm in a world of pain, and I have been ever so forgetful as of late. Forgot my glasses, my clean clothes, my medicine...left my art box at my dad's, almost crushed Bonsai with the net, trod on my cat's tail, hurt my leg, slept through my alarm, and so many other things. Dearie me.

Oh dear.
Auditions tomorrow, I'm nervous.
I hate this feeling. Hate it with a fiery passion. What am I to do? The park was cold and lonely today. Whatever shall I do....?

I'm going to the park tomorrow. And the day afterwards, and almost every lunch hour from now on. If you wish to join me, feel free. I'm going to play on the swings, bask in the sunshine, and sketch. But mostly, I will swing, and see how high I can get before I jump off. I love jumping off the swings. For a solitary moment, everything stops and I'm flying and touching the sky and doing all the wonderful things I only ever dream about...and then...I don't know what then.

I went to the park today, in hopes of finding inspiration for some art. I didn't find any. I felt the warm sun on my face and listened to the sweet song of the birds, but I can't say it helped me draw. So I just sat on the swings and dreamed.
I got a very lovely present today. Two cute little goldfish, in a little bowl on my bedside table. Bamboo and Bonsai, and yes, I know, those aren't very good names, but they only cost $0.58 each, so I figure they don't need a good name. I like Bonsai. She-it could be a guy, I frankly don't give a shit-is brown, not gold. My mom didn't understand. "Aren't goldfish supposed to be gold?" No, mom. No. But they cheered me up a great deal. I just hope they don't die soon.