Fuck It.

Yeah, that's right, I am damn pissed off at my mom. Yet again. Are we surprised, hells no! She's buying me clothes one minute and being a real hardass the next, and I just don't even give a shit anymore. Maybe I sound like a bitchy teenager, but you can all just eat my ass if you don't like it. Fuck! Honestly, I come home, ask my mom to take a form into her work for me, but she just gives me a lecture on doing things last minute, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, she hasn't answered my question so I'm getting irritated. And when I ask her again she flips out and just...AAAARGH! She says she doesn't see why she should have to "work her fingers to the bone" for me, and I'm thinking "Fuck, well, I didn't think taking a piece of paper to work and asking her colleages ONE QUESTION was too hard, but I sure as hell don't want to hear about any martydom" so I say "nevermind" which sets off a whole other chain of fuck-tastic events.
You know what? I'm more sad than angry. I want a mom like Kevin's mom, or Kari's aunt. Someone who instead of giving me unbridled scepticism and lectures, tells me they believe in me. Someone who, just because I'm 18, doesn't just say "too bad, so sad" when I might be having some problems. And it scares me to my core, that she may not decide to go to my wedding, that one day I might have children and end up saying to them "Sorry, kids, we can't go see Grandma because she and Mommy stopped talking to each other because Grandma's a bitch." But everytime these fights happen, everytime she makes me feel small, and I like I can't do whatever I dream of doing, I feel myself grow farther and farther away from her. But what scares me more than anything is that I think I may turn into a mother like her. That one day, should I ever have children, I will end up doing the same things to them. And I'll look into the mirror and see her face looking back at me.
I hate it, you know. I really, really do.

Musical Quote of the Day

"Sound the bugle now
Play it just for me
As the seasons change
Remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on
I can't even start
I got nothing left
Just an empty heart

I'm a soldier
Wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me
Lead me away
Or leave me laying here

Sound the bugle now
Tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know
That leads to anywhere
Without a light
I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down
Decide not to go on

Then from on high
Somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls
'Remember who you are
If you lose yourself
Your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight
Remember who you are'

Yeah you're a soldier now
Fighting in a battle
To be free once more
Yeah that's worth fighting for"

-Bryan Adams Title: Sound the Bugle