Sunday, July 18, 2004

Did I mention that I hate you all?
 
Yes, I'm afraid it's true.  I don't know what to do with myself.  Should I change?  Or is it nothing to do with me, and it's just the fact that all of you are inconsiderate assholes?
Don't ask what inspired this hatred.  I'm sure I don't know.  It's probably the fact that it's not one thing, but a lot of things piled on top of each other and crushing me in the process.  I hate you.  All of you.  I hate the fact that I haven't found what I'm looking for in any of you.  I hate that my sister has, so easily.  I have been searching, envious of her on her pedastle.  I'm still digging through the garbage-meaning you people-searching for my glory, my prize.  The closest thing I have found to what I'm looking for is beautiful and shining, but unforetunately, far away.  And I'm afraid I don't have much hope for this one either.  Often I have thought I found what I'm looking for, but the gold soon falls away exposing the rusted, decaying truth.  I fear that will happen to what I have found, if it is what I'm looking for in the first place.  What if it's a fraud, just like all the others?  What if, when it returns to me, the gold has begun to flake away?  I feel so terribly lonesome without my glory-even if I'm not 100% sure of its authenticity-but I fear its return, because if it's far away, the pain of discovering it's not what I'm searching for will be lessened.  At the same time, I want to feel the warmth and the glow that lingers with what I am looking for when I am close to it.  The small but shining hope that my trials and tribulations are soon close to an end and that I will be free and happy.  Sometimes I feel that feeling second-hand from others.  I imagine it is nothing compared to the experience of it first-hand.  I imagine that is wonderful. 
But so far, nothing has come up that stays pure.  All of the things I have found-again, meaning you people-have lured me into a false sense of security and then ripped me limb from limb.  You shone, all of you, but now I can see you for what you really are.  False.  All of you are false.  Pretending to be there for me, when really you couldn't give a damn.  Oh dear, I'm sorry that I'm such a burden to you.  Heaven above forbid that you should waste any precious time on me.  It's a fine good thing that none of you are currently hearing my voice, for I am fairly certain that the sarcasm level in the last two sentences would have ruptured your ear drums.  In all seriousness, I do not wish to cause you pain.  You have all hurt me, but I have come to the conclusion that if you do not like me or care for my company, and are to cowardly to admit it, then you are not worth a single scathing remark from my lips.  Should you feel this way about me, feel free to come forward.  I will honour and respect you, never shedding a tear-as if you are worth those, either-and acknowledge your wish to be left alone by me, and never speak to you again.  I think that would make us both happy.  None of you seem to have time for me anyway, so why should I bother to spare any for you?
This offer will never expire, feel free to use it at any opportunity.  I must warn you however, that once our ties have been broken, they shall never be repaired.  This is my one condition.  Also, I would like to take this time to say that there will be no Musical Quote for the Day, for I am ill, and cannot bear to think of any music, for I am sure it will make me cry.
There you have it.  Take from this what you desire, I care not what you make of it.
I'm tired of garbage.  I'm tired of you.  I want truth, shining glorious honesty that will never fail me.  I want my search to end.  I want to find what I am looking for.  I may have found it, but I want to know now, so I waste no further time on it if it is a lie.  Please, I want to be free of this ridiculous curse.
Just once, I want to shine.
Glory.

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